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The Stag Party/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW It's "the new red green show"! Here's the man's man, a ladies' man, the man of the people, man, oh, man! Your hero, my uncle, red green! (applause and cheering) (whistling) thank you! Thank you very much. Appreciate it -- thank you. Welcome to possum lodge, where civilization meets nature and nature loses. Hey, harold. Guess what we're up to tonight. Here's a hint. (audience laughing) gonna be filling the cracks in the walls? Demonstrate how spiders build their homes? No. Gonna be acting stupid and immature? Yeah, he got it. About a month ago, junior singleton got engaged -- we were shocked 'cause she's nice. They've done the shopping for gifts and all the fittings and all that crap. Finally, tonight, it all pays off in the big celebration every man looks forward to. No, uncle red, the wedding's not till tomorrow. I'm talking about the stag party, harold. Stag party's tonight, ok? Moose thompson's organizing the food fight. Buster hadfield's doing the dirty tricks. Old man sedgwick's marking the cards. How are you contributing? I'm not going. Perfect! (horns honking) (geese honking) (quacking) (red): You're lookin' at segments from this particular show, the in message being, don't even think about changing the channel. To make sense out of this, you gotta give it your undivided attention. (laughing) (laughing) well, just a few hours to go till junior's stag party. I got all my supplies here. Hand buzzer, plaster bandages, ball and chain... Laxatives that look like chocolate... (laughing) hot gum... Molasses... Animal tranquillizer... Indelible ink... Whoopee cushion, whoopee pillow, whoopee mattress -- whoopee! Uncle red, uncle red! I got good news and bad news. Junior asked me to go to the stag and I said yes. What's the good news? He asked me to get the movies. He said, "the movies." I said, "o-kay". But I have no idea what he's talking about. Sure you do -- he's talking about "the movies". Ohhhhh! I don't know. I went to all the places. The convenience store, gas bar, coffee shop, laundromat... The good movies are gone. Did you try the video store? (audience laughing) ok. Yeah. Wahahh, uncle red! Have I got some hot movies! Forget it -- none of that stuff. I have too much respect for women. We won't be watching filthy movies. Filthy movies?! No, no, no! These are war movies. Oh, right! "the desert fox"... "the big red one"... "buck privates"... Who are you kiddin', harold? If you like ukulele music, change the channel right now! This is a preview of the "adventures with bill". Kind of a hawaiian theme and... Those leis -- you can't just have one. That's not gonna work. That doesn't feel like "welcome to hawaii". It's like "welcome to fire island". Ohhh! Oh! Ohhh! All right, all right, I'll get my own leis, thank you. That's something to live by, right there. What bill will also do all through the show, he'll cook a turkey in the luau style, where they dig the hole. It's a traditional, ritual thing, kind of a polynesian thing. This is part of the dance. The hands tell the story. Yeah... Ohhh! The dirt tells the story. Ohhhh! And the shovel usually ends the story. Uh... Yeah, anyway, we like to do some of the traditional cooking at the lodge. This is the hawaiian, the polynesian, the fiji... Have they "fiji"d you yet? No, they haven't cooked... Never mind. Bill's digging with-- no, bill, that's a ukulele. You don't use that. I use that -- you use the shovel. Bill's very creative. Away you go -- oh, for gosh sakes. ♪ ohhhhh ♪ ♪ I know a guy with a car named sue ♪ ♪ he was the butt of many jokes ♪ ♪ he had named his car after his wife ♪ ♪ 'cause it's hard to start and it smokes ♪ this is the big one! For the grand prize of keys to a brand-new bungalow worth over $200,000! Oh, baby! Who donated that, harold? The guy who bought the bungalow. He got new locks, so he didn't want these keys. That's a good keychain. You can use the keychain. Uncle red, you have 30 seconds to get dalton humphrey to say this word. "discuss." "discuss." and go! All right, dalton. When you and your wife disagree about something, you and she... ... Argue. No, no yelling, no yelling. No, you said my wife. All right, ok, could be anybody's wife or girlfriend, or both -- right, harold? Or, in your case, neither! Ok, uh... Another word for "talk". Nag. Dialogue. Diatribe. Share ideas. Complain. Almost out of time, uncle red. You want to communicate in a friendly way. To give in. All right, all right. If your wife wants to nag, argue, or complain, she'll say, "honey, "there's something we have to..." ... Buy. (audience laughing) no, and before you buy anything, first, you would... ... Keel over stone-dead! I'm not putting one more dime into that living room! People expect moth-holes in plaid drapes. The case is closed. I don't want to discuss it! Hey! What? That was the word. Discuss! (applause) (grunting) what is with these car companies? What's the point in having a gas gauge if it's not accurate? When it says "full", it is full. I got the wet pants to prove it. When it says "empty", you might have another 50 miles in there, or, as in the case today, you might in fact be empty. This week on "handyman corner", I'm gonna show you how to make a cost-effective hot tub. What does a hot tub have to do with fuel tanks? Shhh! I'm gonna make my hot tub out of an old freezer. Freezers are meant to keep things cold. Since this one doesn't any more, I figure, why not use it to keep things warm? Let's start and find out why not. (grunting) this won't make a big hot tub, but with all the s.T.D.'s and g.S.T.'s and I.O.U.'s goin' around, maybe it's time to get back to those innocent times when you just played with yourself in the bathtub. Some of you are saying, "why not use the bathtub itself?" first, don't confuse me stopping for breath with a request for suggestions. And secondly, with the lid on, you can keep heat in and bird-treats out. We got a little light, which makes it nice for the romantic late-night dips, and maybe can help you find your toupee. To turn this into a hot tub, you need a pump with some hoses on 'er. I know, you're supposed to add water. You're supposed to put bleach in to purify the water. You need to add air to it. That's if you're building a real hot tub... I'm not. This here is a fake, just a decoy. I'm just solving the gas-gauge problem with the possum van. We want it to look like a hot tub so that visitors will park nearby without worrying. What it really is is our personal gas station. What we do, when nobody's looking, take one end of the hose, stick that into their gas tank. You grab your reversible pump control, press "suck", and it puts all their gas-- well, not all their gas. You want to leave some so they can get a few miles down the road. They won't suspect anything. You might want to close the lid. You don't want gas fumes to give you away. We've been there, haven't we? We'll just cut that off. Then you bring your own vehicle nearby... And put the end of the hose into your vehicle and then you press the pump to "blow" and you actually fill up your own tank with their gas. Isn't that beautiful? By golly! No one's any the wiser. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. One more fill-up and I get a set of dinnerware. (electricity sparking) by golly, I'm wrong. This is a hot tub. Stay tuned -- whatever this is, we got lots more of it. Some of you teenagers are workin' hard at school, sweating out some slave-labour job on weekends, only to have your parents say, "clean up your room! "no, you can't have a motorcycle. "the police want to talk to you -- hide that stereo." you're thinking, "when does the fun start? "when does life turn into a beer commercial?" where everybody's laughing and eating and not working and not getting fat. You're thinking you're the only person not having fun. The truth is, for the most part, everybody's faking it... Even in the beer commercial. The laughing and eating is just those people working. I'll tell you something. In my life, I've only found three things that were pure fun. Fishing, belonging to possum lodge, and pants with an elastic waistband. Well, by golly, that was some stag last night! And the women missed the whole thing. They were at some stupid shower for the bride. It was a lecture on cooking. They had some guy named mr. Super-buns. (laughing) unbelievable. Bernice said it was a real eye-opener. But, by golly, we had ourselves-- harold, I didn't see you there. I left when the practical jokes started. I can only take so many wedgies. Better to give than receive. You know, originally, we were gonna play tricks on junior, 'cause he was the groom. Then some smart-alec yelled, "get the head usher!" that was you -- you yelled that. (laughing) I had the molasses and the feathers. Waste not, want not. We did the ushers and father of the bride. Then we started working our way through the crowd. A party like that makes you see it's worthwhile getting married. What are you gonna do if the groom isn't there? We taped it to stinky's pant-leg. Not the broom, the groom -- junior's still missing. No, we stripped him. We chained him to the dock. I heard he was getting some decent nibbles. No, that wasn't junior. You did that to flinty mcclintock. No, harold, flinty, we put into a body cast. We put him on a one-way train to... That might have been junior. Way to go, uncle red, way to go! Wedding's in less than two hours and there's no groom. Way to go! She'll have to marry flinty. Flinty's wife will be happy to let somebody else take over. Yeah, I suppose. (red): Meanwhile, back with don ho's evil twin brother, gung ho... Ohhhh! Golly, there's the turkey... And it's a boy! By golly... All right. We've dug the hole. We had a fire going. Ok, ok, bill, bill! All right, we got the rocks all heated. Wow, that's hot, that's hot. You get the rocks, the hot rocks, and you put them into the turkey. Fire one in, bill. Here we go... Oh, boy, and... There we are -- by golly. If you don't think that's painful, you ask a turkey. You drop 'er into the hole and put the hot rocks all around the turkey. Fire 'em in, fire 'em in. Get 'em in there! You cover that unit with dirt. You want to seal that in, ke a pressure cooker, in the hawaiian, polynesian, fiji style of life. Oh, bill's got the ukulele to help. Ok, that's good -- we cover up with dirt. You want it completely covered with the dirt of the area. He's bringing in the various leaves. This gives it kind of the flavouring. It changes the taste, apparently. What have we got next, bill? Oh... Ah! Car mats out of a k-car. And now, we'll be back when dinner's ready. Away you go -- oh, man! So I've devised a 12-step programme to help you overcome this biological imperative. No more excuses, no more saying... (imitating red): "sorry, it's a guy thing." I'll throw open the floor to my uncle red to start the meeting. Man! All right, I'm red and I'm a man. (all): Hi, red. All right, let's do the "men anonymous" pledge. I'm a male... But I can change... If I have to... I guess. Thanks. (laughing and applause) let's get started by sharing our emotions. Who would like to start by sharing emotions? Would someone like to state their opinion? Oh, I thought so. Ok, how about... Dougie? Ohhhh! Thank you. Gentlemen, my name is dougie. I'm a man. (all): Hi, dougie. Gentlemen, last week was a difficult one for me. I was tempted to fall off the wagon and go right back into some old bad habits. The temptation occurred right in front of the hardware store. There was a fella there changing a flat tire on his pickup truck and... He was doin' it wrong! He didn't put his wheel nuts in the hubcap! (red): Oh, for gosh sakes! I bit my tongue, and then it occurred to me. Une piece de resistance au dougie. I got my truck. I parked beside him where he was changing his tire and I started changing one of my tires, even though it wasn't flat. I changed that sucker the right way so that sorry excuse for a man would learn! Way to go, dougie! That's the way to do it! That's the stuff! (red): Dinner had taken quite a while. I dozed off in the sun, but, luckily, I had left a wake-up call. There we go, and now we're set to check out-- dig up our turkey. Should be cooked to perfection. Bill's digging with... Something I hadn't noticed, and maybe we got lucky. We don't get lucky often. You're not worried -- he thinks we'll get lucky twice and that never happens. You all right, bill? You may have hit a buried-- you hit a wire, bill. We'll be back when this rock concert's over. Oh, boy. Here's a gift from our friends at the outback pub in ottawa. It's a briefcase. Back at the "oh, wow" luau, we're digging up the turkey. You got the turkey? Is it done? Vegetables?! How did that happen? Well, you know, it is a farmer's field. Maybe... He must have planted something. That's the beauty of the luau. This will help me see at night, which is when we'll find the darn thing. What have you got? Oh, my gosh! Oh, my gosh! That's a treasure-- there's a-- that's got-- there's value there! There's captain hook! What? Oh, the hooks. Oh, man! Still no turkey, huh? Can't believe it. Oh, yeah, there's one. Flinty declined the opportunity to marry junior's fiancee. I suggest that junior show up for this wedding soon. I got a fax over my fax-modem. Junior's on his way -- he's up near kenora. Why didn't he fax himself rather than the note? (laughing) fax a person over a fax machine -- whoo! (laughing) you just don't get this modern technology. The dumbest thing I've ever heard! Whoo! Fax a person! Hello! Dumb, eh, harold? 'cause they do it on "star trek". (audience laughing) never thought I'd hear harold say "star trek" is dumb. No, no! I didn't! Captain picard, you heard me not say that, right? Hello, klingons! Oh, man! (audience laughing) we gotta get to the church. The wedding's in half an hour. But junior's, like, five hours away. Don't get your jockeys into a jam. Getting the groom to church is the best man's job. You're the best man. Oh, man, yeah. All right, come on. Why? What? Nobody says the groom has to be junior. Oh, no!! Harold, it's just a proxy thing, that's all. You just say the vows on junior's behalf. Just proxy -- it's just words. Just words. You take his place for the wedding. Let's hope he shows up before the honeymoon. Oh, no!! Come on! Come on. We all been there on this one. You're about to walk in the house and then it hits you. "wasn't I supposed to do something on the way home?" you can't remember what it was. Can't tell her -- you know how she gets. You gotta jog your memory. Slip in the house... Count the kids. If you're short one or two, maybe you were supposed to pick them up. Count the cars in the driveway. If one's missing, maybe you were supposed to pick 'er up at a service station or on the highway. If there's too many cars, you have company. Maybe you were supposed to pick up groceries. Check for a list she might have slipped you. If you come up empty, walk into the house, say, "honey, I'm home", give her the big hug. While her back's turned to the calendar, see if there's a birthday or anniversary written in. If you don't see anything, maybe you forgot to get bread or milk. She'll call you "stupid" and laugh at you. Consider yourself lucky -- you got off easy... ... This time! (red): This is it -- we're getting close, 'cause bill found a rock. Get rid of the rock. I didn't mean that way. He's got the turkey, though. By gosh, can you smell that? Isn't that beautiful! Wow! What are you doing? Oh, bill's auditioning for his puppet show for kids. Oh, man! Get away from me. All right, look at that -- look at the table setting. The presentation is... Almost nothing. We need drinks, bill. Can you handle that? What have you got? Oh, a water pipe. Cheers! Oh, man! Frightening, isn't it? (audience laughing) junior did make it to the church on time 'cause the ceremony was late. The guys were hurtin' from the stag party. Took 'em forever to get into the pews. It was nice, having old man sedgwick as the ring-boy. He's got rings -- he's like a tree, without the intelligence. Took junior a long time to get the ring on the bride's finger 'cause he was covered in molasses and feathers. I thought you'd have washed him a bit. We thought of hosing him down but then he'd get married in his underwear. The bride thought she was marrying big bird. She won't say that after the honeymoon. (possum squeal) meeting time, uncle red. You go ahead, harold. Remind the guys, we got a bridal suite to sabotage. Ok! I take my responsibilities seriously. If my wife is watching, I'm coming straight home after the meeting. With the wedding and romance and young love and everything, I was hoping maybe later, we could have some fun. The rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the gang, thanks for watching and keep your stick on the ice. (applause) (possum squeal) (harold): He's here, he's here! (all): Quando omni flunkus, moritati. (red): Sit down... Harold? (harold): Someone ran over my favourite hat on the highway. Would you please wait until I'm out of it next time? (laughing) must have been stinky's car -- there's no tread-marks. We have another book coming out -- "red green talks cars: A love story." it's available through possum lodge and through your local book retailer. Closed captions premier subtitling inc. Boy, this is too much!